Rambles
I would have to admit that I could often sound like a broken record. Saying, talking, or complaining about the same thing over and over again. And I suppose it gets annoying afterward, I do know, so I try as much as possible to avoid it, but we are obviously humans, and we all know so very well that we make mistakes and are prone to them. I could be as dramatic as the next person you see, when it comes to drama, problems, stress, insecurities, and etc.
I am in no way saying that I am superior or greater than anyone else. But seriously, people need to just calm down. I was always emotionally stable, knowing my limits and when to stop, but I guess I rubbed off a few and I have become a bit more vocal and expressive. I am not saying that expressing your emotions and feelings is wrong. But what I am trying to convey is to look at the bigger picture, is it really that bad? Whose fault is it? And when it comes to fault, really analyze the situation and do not go around pointing fingers just so you can get your way. Did you really try? Did you give it your all? If no, then whose fault is it? Exactly, it is yourself, but do not take that for failure. Sure it possibly could be considered that, but stop being so pessimistic. Look for the better side of things, have some hope. Try harder, and stop sitting your behind around and complain about it when you do not even do a single thing about it. If you do not learn to love yourself, then who will?
Once again, to clarify things, I am not saying that I am not guilty of it, because I am well aware I could often fall into this category, but it just irks me at times. Mistakes, road-blocks, obstacles, they are all put in our lives; even though we may not know why they appear or why us, God knows that we are able to handle it, so just have a little faith and trust in Him. Besides that, I have nothing more than just say DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Heck, go to hell and back if that is what will take you to get back up.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You could be more self-protective now than anyone realizes, but your social veneer makes it look like you’re fully engaged in your relationships. People close to you may be impressed with your optimistic demeanor, however, you may be reliving unexpressed hurt that continues to be recycled in your life. For now, there’s no reason to change your behavior; it’s okay to dance between two positions. Thankfully, you will be able to meld these disparate realities with time.
If you’ve seen me at school or have talked to me, this past week I pretty seem super happy, cheery, hyper, and optimistic. I seem more out of my shell than normally. Honestly I feel as if it’s forced, but I’d rather have people question why I seem so upbeat rather than mopey and down-in-the-dumps. I don’t know. I really don’t. I constantly find me questioning myself, random thoughts and questions pop up in my head from time to time. I seem so calm and composed on the outside, but deep within my mind it’s a whole other world. Also.. I keep having these recurring dreams, which I can’t seem to find out what it’s trying to convey. Maybe I’m thinking too much? Ehh. “I don’t know” has really been my favorite phrase to use lately. Because I am utterly confused and unknown to the situations at hand. I feel tired, my motivation level and strive is diminishing more and more each day. It’s sad to say, I really feel distant with a lot of people. I can sense the gap that’s forming, the barrier building up.. Am I pushing them away? I really have the tendency to do so.. Unintentionally. My mind often gets occupied too much, it goes overload and I’m on this crazy rampage which causes not so fortunate happenings. -sighs- I honestly just want peace, peace of mind, peace of emotions. I feel bipolar.. I can be happy for a moment, the next I just want to burst into tears and cry like a baby. I don’t know.. Sometimes I feel like I hit depression mode… o_O But then again I’m not quite sure what “real” depression is, maybe I’m experience now? Maybe not. Lalala. I would talk about it with close ones, but I don’t know. I really don’t even know how to describe it in words, yet find ways to get them to understand. Plus I think I’ve annoyed them enough with my lovely, wonderful life and events that occurs, so I just skip it mostly. I do share some things, but it’s surface things. I DON’T KNOW. Blah. I really just want answers. I’m tired of being kept in the dark.. Am I not worth it to know? It may seem like I don’t know on the outside, but you would be surprise how much I actually know… It’s amazing though, how my instincts never fails me and always find a way to let me know something’s up. But at times I’d rather not hear or witness things. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to choose. I get indecisive.. Things always seem to oppose what I choose. I choose A, but B happens instead. Hmmm. Trust is a big concern of mine. People come and go, it’s as simple as that, it’s life. Yet I still question, why do people choose to leave but come back only to leave once again? What are people’s purpose or motives? It’s like cutting up a closed up wound. The first time hurts, but the second time hurts worse. If you leave, then leave… Don’t come back and make my feelings waver. And never lie to me.. As harsh as it may seem, if you lose my trust, consider never knowing me. I’m so sick and tired of being lied to, it hurts you know, and having it happening continuously, I reached my limits and drew the line. I’ve always been told I’m too nice, I agree I can be too nice, but that does not give you the right to take advantage of me or use me. Same goes with chances, the most I’d give you is two chances. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, it’s not happening.” I really don’t want to become a mean, bitchy person. But if you push me far enough I just might be. Fear leads to annoyance/paranoia. I often build up walls, I don’t mean to, but that’s how I am. But if you’re willing to put forth effort and show me you are genuine, I will warm up to you or will eventually. I’m not as cold and intimidating as I may appear. It just takes time for me to open up. But not everyone is as patient, so I can’t blame them if they’re too quick to judge. Lalala~ fin.
